Went out and it was so fun. Talked to loads of people and I'm pretty sure there was a girl that I'd seen when I went out before! I danced with her and her friends for a bit but didn't get a chance to talk to her. Talking to guys isn't getting any less stressful. I just feel like I'm probably leading them on by being too nice when fancying them is literally the furthest thing from my mind. But I don't want to be rude, I can't think what a non-bitchy alternative to being nice is. Uggg. Sometimes I think I might be lesbian but that feels like too extreme of a logical leap. I DO like girls but how do you know 100% for sure that you don't like guys? I feel like I'm definitely not lesbian, but I don't know how else to explain this extreme revulsion to even the idea of boys fancying me or looking at me or talking to me like that . Like I feel as though I'm supposed to at least be flattered, since that's how I've seen all my other girl friends react. But that is definitely not the feeling that this sparks in me. Maybe I just need to wait for a boy that I actually do find attractive to talk to me and I'll feel different haha. I just feel wayyy too old to be confused about all this. I thought I had it all figured out when I was like 15. I like boys and girls. Yay! Maybe relationships etc are just a minefield for absolutely everybody. Who can tell??? I usually fancy boys that have never talked to me in my life,but I don't know if that's because I think men should be seen and not heard or because I usually fancy people that are way out of my league LOL. End of transmission.
Going out 2nightttttt!!!!!! Excited beyond belief. I need to go into town to buy some stuff after school. Ughhh. Watching the Inbetweeners. Genuinely my favourite show of all time. It gives me a weird respect for boys. I literally would not have survived that haha. Looking at the Primark and H&M websites is so depressing. Primark especially used to have so much colourful fun stuff and now every f*cking thing is just BEIGE! BEIGE! BEIGE! I sorted bras by "pink" and the results were so pastel that I assumed the filter hadn't worked. So sad. This whole neutral colours obsession needs to die its death ASAP. I need a trashy hot pink and leopard print bra RIGHT NOW!!!. I mean I don't need one. I just really really really want one. /crying face/. It's so sunny. I need to get out of this classroom yesterday! C u later when I'm drunk b4 I go out
-Eccentrica C. Wurly
To be honest it still feels weird to wite 2025 instead of 2024. Today was a bit better than yesterday but not much. It wasn't as sunny, and it was quite muggy. I'm sooooooo excited for Friday cause I'm going to the clurrrb!!! I really need to start actually giving my instagram to people at the club and becoming friends with them in hashtag real life. But most of them are in uni and I'm still in sixth form, without any real plans for the future and "what do you study/what kind of job do you want" is literally the number one small talk question after the opener of
Stranger: I love your [fashion statement]
You: OMG thank you! I love your [fashion statement that you were too shy to compliment first]
Stranger: What's your name?
You: [Your name]
Stranger [thing that everyone says about your name] I'm [Stranger's name]
You:[thing that everyone says about their name]
Stranger: So, are you at uni?
You: Oh no haha, I'm still in school
Stranger: Oh, so what do you want to do when you're older? Do you think you're gonna go to uni?
You: Oh well, you know, I've looked into not killing myself as an option for the future, but even though that's what most people do I feel like the other options are kind of underrated you know?
Stranger: [motivational speech about going to uni or getting a job or pulling yourself up by your bootstraps or whatever their personal spin on it is]
You: *Staring over their shoulder, eyes completely glazed over*
Stranger: Are you like, coming up or something right now? Like have you taken something
Not a very good day. I'm earth shatteringly sleepy and I just feel so super overwhelmed by absolutely everything. Summer is screaming down the tarmac toward me, but I feel as though it's already in my rearview mirror. Like it's already passed me by. All my friends seem to have these grand plans for their hols, expensive foreign holidays and music festivals, but I'm not even sure I'd be able to cope with that kind of stuff. Binge eating is the only friend I have right now.
Going out 2night. I'm shy. I dyed my hair on Tuesday, it's awesome. I'd always been too afraid to before but the "wonderful sense of doom and futility" I have at the moment is surprisingly freeing in terms of personal expression. I wonder if I will get any compliments on it. One has to hope so. My anti depressants are making my jaw clench sooo badly it's painful. I need to go out and buy some vodka before I go out because no way am I wasting away my pitiful pocket money (£5 a week) on however many six quid drinks it would take to get me drunk. The club I'm going to is definitely no Wetherspoons when it comes to drink prices T-T. My neck hurts and I think I'm about to die of anxiety to be honest. There has been so much drama at school, but not even the fun kind, just the exhausting kind where nobody is really right and everyone wants you to take their side. I'm just not cut out for it. I wish I was, since everyone else seems to kind of enjoy it. But really it just makes me want to die haha. Listening to the Hellp's new stuff. It's ok, but Ssx will always be their best song. To ME. I'll try and write up what went down tonight if anything interesting happens. Which no doubt it won't since I'm not really a very interesting kind of person. But I am trying nowadays! Our neighbours have got the builders in doing some kind of pointless renovation and they are. SO. LOUD!!! How on Earth is a girl supposed to nap in an enviroment like this?! Also, RE: midi files, they are not one of the supported HTML audio formats. Bugger all! The only annoying thing about my hair is that it looks quite ugly with a lot of my favourite tops :(. Iure it will stop looking so ugly to me soon.
I's n hur till I leave, I'm properly shitting myself lol. I got a bit tipsy by myself but not NEARLY as drunk as I was last time I went. I'm sooo nervous. I need to do my makeup as well and put on my outfit. I hope it won't be too uncomfortable to dance in or sit down in. Ughhh.. Keep me in your thoughts please. I need to surviveee
just got back from the clurrrrb. Very drunk, if the formatting doesn't tip you off. It was fun to dance, but going solo with weird hair apprently just attracts one billion guys that want your Snapchat because no other girl will give it to them. Like it wasn't like I was special, it just felt like they were asking as many girls as possible. Not V. nice. I think in the morning when I am hungover I will feel so so so ill about it, and quite disgusted with myself. I put my insta into all their phones and then just now deleted them LOL. I feel bad cause I don't want them to stop going out there and talking to people but just. Not me. I'm fine, please please please leave me alone!!! Go bother some girl that actually wants a boyf. Not me! Unfortunately. I wish I did, it seems like such a normal thing to want, but I'm not reaalllly sure if I do. It just seems like so much effort for not very much else that I'm interested in. I wasted sooo much time talking to those guys. I need to grow a backbone before I go out alone again. Not that being with someone really helps me at all. But I've never ever had so many people try to talk to me when I go out before. Yucky yucky yucky!!! I didn't realise how much I enjoyed being alone before.
Got drunk and danced for hours. I love dancing. It's the only reason to carry on with the rest of life. I can't wait to go out this next Friday. And dance, dance, dance. I'm still a bit drunk actually. I'll be drunk on Friday, and wearing a beautiful outfit, surrounded by other people dancing in beautiful outfits. I can't F*CKING wait, my God. And the next Friday, and the next Friday, forever and ever and ever. It just feels so good. There's absolutely no way that sex is better than dancing. I'll eat my fucking html if it is.
Just found out about midi files. Obsessed. I think I must have downloaded about twenty already. You're telling me someone made, of all songs, Bailando by Paradisio into a high-quality MIDI that I can download? For free? Wicked. Rest assured that soon this website will be crawling with them. Hopefully not autoplay though I find that a little irritating if I'm already listening to something. But when I'm on other people's websites, I find that their SCM music players don't work on my computer? Also annoying. I want to hear that funky music!!!
(WARNING: MISERABLE B*TCH POSTING AHEAD) I also just remembered the Bowery Electric. Last winter I listened to their music all the time. It was one of the worst times of my life (and like everyone, I've had a few of those). I developed this fixation on being clean, and I would listen to Beat in the shower and scrub and scrub with this godawful "strawberry" scented shower gel that made my skin itchier and dryer than a profesional dry thing on dry tablets. I felt totally alone in the world. There wasn't anything much outside of my bedroom, which for the first time in my life was actually clean. It was like everything meaningful had been bleached out of my life, like one of those dead coral reefs. (reeves?Hoofs/hooves. Lol) I tried to find some meaning, to create some. I have a million note books filled with the scribblings of what would now no doubt appear to be that of a verifiable lunatic, but at the time the thoughts inside them were what my whole life revolved around.
This winter has been quite different, still very bad; but a much more emotional time with a good deal of crying and anger, which were both conspicuously absent from last year. Last winter was so stagnant I think I must have hatched a thousand mosquitoes in my mind, all buzz buzz buzzing around in my mind, sounding not too dissimilar to the Bowery Electric. I miss the way I thought of my friends when I was younger. They were my rock, the only reason to do anything at all. But with the revelation of my dislike for them, I can't really find much to care about. Eccentrica C. Wurly signing off.
I think I might become a part-time goth. I love bright colours but there is something appealing about the idea. I have a pair of black platform boots that used to belong to a friend of my sister's, and I was wearing them today with a long dark blue skirt and a purple top and black choker and then before I knew what I was doing I was putting on dark purple eyeliner and brown lipstick with dark brown lipliner. Maybe not the gothest thing but it felt really nice. And I was listening to Echo & the Bunny Men for more or less the first time and idk. It was fun to swish around in that skirt and listen to music about strange things. Maybe among the goths is where I will find "my people". I'm afraid that all the friends I have at the moment make me feel even more like an alien than I already am. I don't really understand them, and I don't think they have much hope of understanding me. I don't think it makes me or them happy, really.
Spent all day and yesterday "on my puter" tinkering with this god forsaken webbed site. What do we think of the readability improvements? I'm very happy! It reminds me of the dust jackets of books I used to read when I was younger. I think to make proper progress on this site I'm going to have to use a css style sheet but ghhhh. New things. Who has the time for that bullsh*t?! But it can't be that hard if literally millions of other people have done it before.
How I want the website to work (at least at first before I can implement - now there's a techy sounding word - a menu) is that you'll read about my hobbies, and if for instance "people watching" sounds interesting to you, you'll click on that word and get taken to a page where I write about real life interesting people I've seen around. So forth for youtube - taken to a list of my favourite 'tubers & vids, clubbing/gigs - taken to a storytimes/pics page, surfing the net - taken to a list of my favourite websites etc etc etc.
Easter hols are over soon and I am in no way ready to be thrown back into schoolwork and "friendships" and actually having to do things that I don't want to do. I think my parents are a bit worried about me, and I hate being a burden to them. They've given me everything and all I've done in make this crappy website!!!
Hung out with my friend and gossiped! Finally read the dreaded texts from a boy whose instagram I accidentally asked for (yeah, I'm not really sure how I managed that either). Anyway, it's good news - I never have to see him again! I'm terrified he thought I was flirting with him when really I was just more drunk than usual. Like the idea of it disgusts me but I'm not really sure why. Likewise the idea that he would have been flirting with me. Yucky! I'm scared that whenever I meet a boy for the first time I'm acting that sort of way, because most of the times when I've seen my girl friends talk to a boy for the first time, they've fancied that boy or been flirting for fun or whatever. So if I unwittingly build my model of appropriate social interactions with strangers off of that then I'm going to end up making a right tit of myself, aren't I. Also, I can't believe the Pope is dead! R.I.P.